On Empathy: Why We Need It Now More Than Ever

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Not that long ago, I worked in a mortgage company call center. While demanding, the training gave me communication skills that I still use everyday. Close to the very top is empathy.

Could You Please Help Me?

To provide some context, empathy can be defined as “the psychological identification with or vicarious experience of the feelings, thoughts, or attitudes of another.“ We can further simplify this definition: putting yourself in “others’ shoes.” In handling our calls, we focused on providing unparalleled customer service and keeping the calls brief, yet focused. The overall end goal was “one call resolution”: resolving ALL of the client’s concerns within that one call.

Achieving that one call resolution, during certain calls was challenging. Among the most challenging was when family or loved ones would call after a client died. First, clients’ privacy was a top concern. If someone called and said that they’re John Smith’s X, we couldn’t discuss loan specific information, unless we had some sort of legal authorization on file and noted: will, trust or other legal document. Without it, I could only review general information that may provide the answer (hint, hint).

As a married man with a young child (who was even younger back then), there were times that I would be touched and even choked up during calls. There were the people married for decades, where the deceased spouse handled everything and the surviving spouse didn’t know where to start. There were stories of people that died suddenly. There were stories of children calling on their parents’ behalf. When someone called in and didn’t have legal permission on file, I wished that there was more that I could do but I had to err on the side of caution. With these calls, I clearly explained what they needed to provide or do. At the end, I asked something like “I can understand that this isn’t what you were expecting to hear. Do you understand these steps that you need to take?” By asking this, I did my best to show the caller that I acknowledged their situation, while clearly explaining their necessary steps. Sometimes, the caller would later apologize for earlier being not so nice, after realizing what I could/couldn’t do and why.

What I explained is a classic review of our training for sensitive situations. However, there were times that I was unsuccessful: not because of what I did but because of what the caller brought into the call and how they reacted. It took me awhile not to take that personally and realize that, even if I was cussed out, it had nothing to do with me. With reaching this realization, I could confidently go into those calls.

Can You You Just Listen To Me?

Another phone skill that went with empathy was rephrasing. Simply put, it’s taking the other person’s words and repeating them in your own, as a question. While this seems simple, it’s amazing how often many people forget to do this. Think about it: how often have either you assumed that you knew what the other person was talking about or someone made similar assumptions about you? In my opinion, assumptions are some of the biggest obstacles to effective (getting the best results with the least effort) communication.

As I see different people interacting on social media, the disconnect is astounding. Neither side listens to the other. Additionally, it is extremely easy to misinterpret what other people are saying due to missing nuance. Also, similar to how both sides refer to “fake news” (which I know can sometimes be a thing), at times, others’ opinions are written off because they contradict someone’s worldview. Just because it’s not something that you’ve experienced or have known, doesn’t mean that it’s fake or not real. Read this again.

At the end of the day, we want others to hear and understand us. We want others to acknowledge us. When this doesn’t happen, we shut others down. When others don’t hear us, we shut ourselves down. When so many want to be heard, the worst thing that we can do is not to pay them attention. People want to feel that what they have to say is important. Understanding and empathy is a two-way street.

I hope that on social media and in face-to-face interactions, we can look at others more as human beings and less as “the enemy.” Maybe then, we could have real conversations that actually move things forward. Literal or metaphorical yelling matches that devolve into trying to argue others into submission rarely accomplishes anything, other than providing the short-lived illusion of “being right.”

With what is going on now, I think that it’s most important to do the right thing rather than “being right.” I feel that, at the end of the day, most of us want to be understood and to protect ourselves and loved ones. Let’s remember this and work to return to these things for ourselves and others. If others don’t have these, then let’s help them.

I leave you with some words from the timeless Edwin Starr song, “War,” that I feel are appropriate.

“Peace, love and understanding
Tell me, is there no place for them today?”

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