(It's Okay To Say) I'm Not Okay

A number of times, I tried to write a post commenting on the insurrection that occurred in Washington, D.C on January 6, 2021. However, as I read other posts, it was clear that there were people better qualified than me to write them. Instead, I wrote this, which seemed more natural, more authentic and made more sense.

I Just Don’t Know
On that day and in the days since, I’ve been able to make less and less sense of the events. In my mind, there seem to be a ton of contradictions between some of the insurrectionists’ stated intentions and some of what I saw. In the nearly twenty years since 9/11, there has been a lot of emphasis on terrorist threats against our national security. Then, those threats came from abroad. On January 6, 2021, I saw a significant attack from within.

I don’t remember who it was, but a friend was on a work call. One of the topics was discussing some of the lessons from 2020. They said how they learned that it’s okay to say that they’re not okay. They mentioned how pre-pandemic, when someone asked how they were doing, they would say, “I’m okay” even when they weren’t.

There is a ton of coverage on the constantly changing developments. More and more participants have been identified and charged. More details have been uncovered, possibly alluding to upcoming actions leading to Inauguration Day (January 20). With all of these things that have already or could happen, it’s easy to feel paralyzed by the fear and uncertainty.

For me, I had to make the decision (for me) to step away a bit from Facebook and check my news apps as little as possible. I think that I decided this because, after a point, I don’t benefit from finding out more. For lack of a better term, I reach MY point of information saturation. If I need to be present for myself, my family and my work, how can I be taken distracted with constant reminders of things that (right now) I can do nothing about?

I remember chatting with someone, after I decided to step away a bit from Facebook and the news apps. As I started to explain, they interrupted me and said, “You don’t need to explain to me. If that’s what YOU need to do to take care of yourself, then DO IT.” I realize now how it meant a lot to hear it at that specific moment.

What Do We Do (For Each Other)?
I have given a lot of thought to the pervasive anger that a lot of people seem to show. In chapter 18 of Niccolo Machiavelli’s The Prince, he wrote,

“…the lion cannot defend himself against snares and the fox cannot defend himself against wolves. Therefore, it is necessary to be a fox to discover the snares and a lion to terrify the wolves. Those who rely simply on the lion do not understand what they are about…and he who has known best how to employ the fox has succeeded best.”

When I think of some angry people, I think that they feel no choice but to constantly be the lion. They work too hard to get what they have and even harder to hold onto it. For many people post-pandemic, this fragility is now clear and undeniable. Once that it becomes evident, then they are faced with overwhelming fear. For some, fear brings on desperation, which results in (evident in hindsight) very regrettable actions.

I look at this section’s heading and to this post’s title. I realized that one answers the other. What do we do for each other? I think that we need to make it okay to say, “I’m not okay.” Circling back to the fragility that I mentioned, there is a false, hollow pride that some hide behind. For them, admitting fragility and challenge is embarrassing and shameful. They think that everyone around them “has it together,” so they feel forced to maintain that self-imposed illusion, even if the hard reality is that others around them are struggling as much if not more.

Making these confessions isn’t a display of weakness. Rather, it demonstrates considerable strength. How much better would our lives be if our loved ones could jump in to help, when we struggle and vice versa? How much easier would it be, if we didn’t have to lie so much? If we were honest, we could see that it’s nearly impossible to hold up a crumbling wall of bullshit.

Flip The Script
One of my favorite recent shows is Cobra Kai (now) on Netflix. One of the persistent themes is “flipping the script” something that Sensei Johnny Lawrence said early in Season 1. In the beginning, this meant that Eli became “Hawk.” Continuing all the way up into Season 3, I saw various characters go from meek to aggressive to moderated. In Season 3, I saw Daniel and Johnny, finally, reconcile significant parts of their personality. If something doesn’t work, then change it.

While I know that these words seem simple, I know that doing it isn’t always so simple. If you watch Cobra Kai, you would see that these and other examples proceed neither smoothly nor easily. I know that, in my life, there were many situations, when it took forever not only to comprehend my mistakes but more importantly to make the necessary change.

Returning to this post’s title, when making the conscious decision to be more honest with ourselves and others, it is likely that “flipping the script” won’t come easily. It could involve pain. However, I would ask you, “Which is more painful: keeping things the same or flipping the script?” Additionally, I would ask, “Which pain is in vain? Which one has more worth?”

So if you decide to be more honest when you’re not okay, I’m not suggesting to share ALL of your business. Of course, there are things that shouldn’t be shared. Outside of these things, I feel strongly that we could all do and be better by uttering the words, “I’m not okay.” I think that you would be pleasantly surprised by how your relationships will deepen and the better things that would result.

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