I'm Sorry. What Was The Question?
“I’m sorry. What was the question?” We may think of this as coming from someone that wasn’t paying attention. However, I feel that, if more people were more honest, this is a question that they would or should ask more often. Sometimes, questions aren’t as clear as they appear.
Seeking To Understand
In the self-help classic The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Stephen R. Covey, he wrote regarding Habit 5: Seek First To Understand, Then To Be Understood,
“We have such a tendency to rush in, to fix things up with good advice. But we often fail to take the time to diagnose, to really deeply understand the problem first.“
Let’s look more closely at this passage. First, for this post, let’s replace “good advice” with “answer” and replace “problem” with “question.”
Second, when rephrasing the quote, the confusion is two-fold. The confusion can start with the person asking, then spread to the person trying to answer. When this happens, does the title make more sense?
Clarifying Questions
In past posts, I mentioned my call center training and experience. As I wrote in “On Empathy: Why We Need It Now More Than Ever,” I mentioned the goal on one call resolution: resolving ALL of the client’s concerns within that one call. To do this, we had to clearly understand the “why” behind the client’s call. Something that I quickly learned early on was that clients would use a word or term that I didn’t understand. For example, I would use the word escrow, whereas a client might refer to it as their impound account. Different language for the EXACT same thing.
Due to factors like the above example contributing to probable miscommunication, we were taught the value of using clarifying questions. This could be as simple as rephrasing the conversation: “It sounds like you called in today to discuss X. Do I understand you?” Seems clear, right?
This was such a simple, basic, yet extremely effective skill to carry with me, even after I moved into another role. To this day, when someone reaches out to me and I am unclear, I don’t hesitate to ask the clarifying questions that I need to ask to know EXACTLY what they need me to do. I even did this on my last work chat today, as I worked to better understand an old problem to find newer solutions.
Wait…What?
Many of the reasons for writing this has to do with how tense many of our interactions seem to be lately, especially on social media. Numerous times, I have seen posts where the comments escalated. Or I might see someone comment, then someone else gets upset for some inexplicable reason. My guess is that some went off of their gut regarding content or intent, feelings overrode logic, or blindly following their experience. These escalated reactions lacked logic and reason.
I have a lot of reasons for minimally and intentionally engaging online. Of the rare occasions that I do and things escalate, I try to explain what my intentions were and where I agreed with the other person(s). If I poorly worded something or made a serious mistake, I’ll ask for feedback to learn where I made a mistake, so that I can learn from it and not repeat it. Sometimes, I can get them to understand. If I failed, then I don’t take it personally. I remember, when I was at the call center. If I was cussed out by a client, their reaction could have literally nothing to do with me. I can’t stop anybody from bringing in their outside baggage and trying to connect it to me. Similarly, if I go on Facebook and someone gets nasty after I made a good will effort to clear things up, why should I let them upset me, when none of what they said is true about me?
Got It. Understood
So here, I hope that I’ve shown the value of asking others clear, concise questions or helping others to do the same for you. I don’t feel that it’s an exaggeration to say that we’re increasingly facing the probability of being drawn into high-stakes conversations. For example, we’re dealing with social issues, the coronavirus/COVID-19 pandemic, economic unrest and a other situations. If all sides actually want to try to find common ground for developing real solutions or actionable steps, all participants should make sure that they know where everyone is coming from, what they’re trying to say and what they’re trying to do. Miscommunication results in setbacks. On a smaller level, it results in infinite arguments on social media that could have been avoided with a few, well placed clarifying questions. On a larger level, you could have two parties fighting at a protest rally/march rather than talking, finding common ground and developing actionable solutions.
As you return to your life, please remember to raise your level of awareness and be the first to ask clarifying questions, if there’s something that you don’t understand. Also, if someone asks you a question or wants you to do something, ask those “extra” questions so that YOU know exactly what they need to know or what they need you to do. Don’t move forward with ignorance that can be so easily overcome.
I WANT TO MAKE SURE THAT I UNDERSTAND. IS THIS WHAT YOU MEANT?
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