Writing for my blog and “doing the work” that I write about has given me a particular lens for how I now see the world. With the holidays approaching, I have heard conversations that have made me think.

First, let me provide some context. Back in the day, I worked with clients in debt management programs. Clients were on biweekly 1/2 drafts withdrawing every other week not twice monthly resulting in 26 drafts per year rather than 24 to pay down their debt faster. During this time, I received a call around the holidays. A client wanted to skip a partial draft to “have money for the holidays.” At least back then, some credit card companies permit customers to enter into only one debt management program under a lowered interest rate to facilitate paying off the account. However, even one missed payment could result in a terminated arrangement, returning customers to their regular interest rate. Although I don’t know if this happened here, I tried to do the right thing and talk her out of it. Still, I have to think that for her the perceived obligation to buy gifts seemed more important than improving her finances.

Fast forward to present day: I hear things such as, “Have you finished your holiday shopping? How much [shopping] do you have left? How much did you spend? Oh my God, I still have to shop for….” I’m sure that you may have heard these comments or have said them yourself.

If we look at how some gift giving traditions started, we can look at Christmas’ oldest origins. Some think that it was tied with commemorating the Magi (Three Wise Men) bringing their gifts to the baby Jesus. Others think that it honors St. Nicholas, who would put coins in shoes that were left out. In the former, the reasoning has to do with tribute, while the latter deals with generosity. While I write about Christmas, I recognize that there are other holidays also, involving gift giving. Unfortunately, I am not familiar enough to discuss them.

Maybe I’m rare but I think that the holidays should be about spending time with loved ones and giving thanks for blessings received. For your loved ones that work, they had to work X number of hours to pay for “your” gift. When I hear people talk about what they expect to receive, I would ask, “Why should you expect anything?” Do you view the holidays, as being more about gifts than about the loved ones that give them?

Many years later, I still think about that woman, who asked to skip a bank draft going towards paying off her debt, so that she could “have money for the holidays.” The distressing thing is that I don’t think that she and people like her aren’t exceptions. I don’t talk with my loved ones about their finances, so I don’t know what is going on. With this being said, if any of them were ever going through financial troubles because of having to buy me gifts or at risk for financial trouble, then I would rather not get anything.

I am hardly the first person to call in question the materialism that permeates this time of year. Regardless of whether you are religious or secular, if you put a lot of importance on receiving gifts, I feel that you may want to question your relationship with your loved ones, gifts and associated gift giving. What do you value the most? Why? Should you?

For the people that are giving gifts, why are you giving gifts? What is this costing you?

Instead of following the status quo by subscribing to expectations/obligations that may not be true, I feel that we need to ask targeted questions to change the focus. I see stress around traditions that should be driven by optional generosity rather than by forced obligations. I see people that value things that quickly lose their perceived value rather than their relationships with loved ones. Let’s start living lives of value-driven intention.

HOW ABOUT SELFLESSNESS RATHER THAN SELFISHNESS?

Disclaimer: My anecdote about the debt management client included information that was true at that time. Information may have changed, since then.